Herbivores, Endings, and the Idea of Leaving

I’ve been suffering from writer’s block lately. For the past few weeks, every time I’ve tried to sit and write something to put on here, I am at a loss for words. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to write about. In fact, this is probably the most busy I’ve been since I moved to Edinburgh.

Since my last post I’be moved house, seen a comedy show, gone to the Jazz Festival opening parade, discovered tomato and ricotta pesto, written 8000+ words of dissertation, and discovered that nothing will confuse a British person more than an American saying the word ‘herbivore’. Leave off the ‘h’ sound and they just don’t know what to do with themselves.

Part of it is probably stress. I don’t know how many of you have moved before, but it is the literal worst. There are so many adult-y things to do, and you’re leaving your home, and you have to lift a lot of boxes. On top of that, my Master’s is coming to an end which means dissertation fun times. After a day of trying to write as much as possible,  the thought of attempting to write even a little more can be too much.

The other part, I think, is coming to terms with the idea of leaving the UK. I can’t remember if I have really gone into this before, but it is a weird feeling, and I don’t know what to make of it at this point. I am a British person hearing the word ‘herbivore’ for the first time. In theory, it makes sense that Americans who say ‘erb’ in an attempt, I assume, to sound ~fancy~ would say ‘erbivore’. But caught unawares by the word in casual conversation, I’m left sitting here like ‘Wait…what? How is that a thing?’.

In theory, it makes sense that Americans who say ‘erb’ in an attempt, I assume, to sound ~fancy~ would say ‘erbivore’. But caught unawares by the word in casual conversation, I’m left sitting here like ‘Wait…what? How is that a thing?’.

I’ve known for a long while now that I will be heading back to the US at the end of this year. I am unbelievably excited about going home, but the reality of what I am leaving is starting to become clear. I’ve been in the UK for four years now, and I love living here. I love drinking PG Tips, being called ‘love’, watching 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown – the UK has a lot going for it. And I am suddenly beginning to realise that I have no definitive return date.

I had a similar feeling when I left Durham. It didn’t really sink in that I wouldn’t be going back to the same old house with my same old friends until I was already in Edinburgh. Now, knowing there is no return flight booked, everything feels so final. It seems like the end of an era or something. Sorry for being melodramatic, but I’m doing my best to describe things I don’t fully understand myself at this point.

It feels like this is the final chapter of my UK adventure, that I am closing a book and putting it up on a shelf. Unless I decide that doing a PhD is what I want out of life, I can’t see myself coming back to the UK for an extended period of time. I looked into getting a work visa to stay – it’s bananas.

So here I am, four years after my first foray into the land of 99 Flakes and Geordie Shore. I have no idea how I got here so quickly, but I know for a fact I am going to miss it a lot. It’s not like I’ll never come back. I already am making plans to visit a friend of mine who will be in London next year. It’s just that I will be coming back as a visitor. I’ll be a tourist in a place that I once lived in. I never moved as a kid. I’m not used to leaving places, and I’m definitely not used to returning to a place I’ve left.

I never moved as a kid. I’m not used to leaving places, and I’m definitely not used to returning to a place I’ve left.

The bright side is all of these thoughts and feels have made me enjoy the past few weeks even more than usual. With the craziness of my undergraduate graduation, I didn’t really have time to sit and think about leaving Durham. I didn’t have the chance to slow down and take in everything that was happening. I am trying to do better this time around. I’m making an effort to go out and do things and see bits of the city I haven’t had the chance to. I don’t have all that much time, but I am trying to make the most of it.

So that has been my mind recently. Thank you for indulging me and my word vomiting. I always find it helpful to write these kind of things out, especially when I don’t quite understand what I am feeling. I’ve got a few more Edinburgh-related posts that I want to put together in the near future, but they may have to wait until after D(issertation)-Day 2016. And then next month I’m off into the great beyond for the Great DeSimone Sister European Train Adventure Extravaganza! (I’m still work-shopping the title, but I’ll keep you updated.)

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *